On 4 September 2006, Channel 4 TV in England broadcast a one-hour documentary on Freezone Scientology. The copyright to this programme belongs to Channel 4--it is not in the public domain. Terril Park asked Channel 4 if it was OK to distribute DVD copies of the programme to individuals in the FZ and was told sure. This wiki page, and similar pages such as "Channel4doc_ru" or "Channel4doc_fr", are so that a transcript of that programme can be produced, and translated, by many people working at once world-wide without duplication of effort. This is in the spirit of Channel 4's permission as Scienowiki certainly does not attract a wide audience outside of the Scientology community. If Channel 4 objects, these pages will be deleted.

Translators: Please name any new page in your language using the standard two-letter abbreviation, as above, and include this introduction (translated).

Transcribers: Please use the talk page--the "discussion" tag at the top--for any discussion about this transcript. Some things are very clearly stated, and some are not.

Note that the English subtitles page is virtually the same as this transcript page. There are a few "um"s and "er"s omitted from the transcript, but little else.

Translations for subtitlesEdit




HARDEEP: Why, if Jesus could turn water into wine, did he not do other things that were more relevant? I mean, if you were the Son of God and you had those powers, you wouldn't organize a piss-up at your pal's wedding. You would stop people starving. Now, I know he did that thing on the mountain with the fish and the loaves of bread. But that was...he organized that meeting. It was the least he could do to lay on some catering.

Sorry, I'm going to fucking really annoy the Christians.

My name is Hardeep Singh Kholi. I'm a writer, actor, director, presenter, model, actress, you know, whatever. Everyone I told of my impending journey reacted either with laughter or scorn. I have ten days to find God--through Scientology.

[Very short sound-bite clips]:
Dominic: Hardeep
Hardeep: Fuck you
Hardeep: THANK YOU!
Hardeep: The problem with you--you're stupid
Unk: I'll repeat the auditing command
Dom: I've got you brainwashed, mate
Roland: There are really no secrets any more
Dominic: The world is gonna see Hardeep has been brainwashed. There is not going to be another job for you ever again.
Hardeep: How are they gonna feel, man? You used the word "brainwashing".
[Short clips end]

HARDEEP: One thing my parents taught me, instilled in me, as a child was that--and it is absolutely in the Sikh scriptures is that there are many roads to God.

HARDEEP (off camera): The Scientology road to spiritual enlightenment began mid-last century in America.

It was invented by L. Ron Hubbard, a prolific science-fiction writer living in 1950s California. It was initially dismissed by critics as harmless self-therapy,


a pop philosophy for the Atomic Age.

Scientologists believe that all people are spiritual beings called "Thetans", who are held back from fulfilling their potential as humans by negative past experiences, trapped in their subconscious which prevent a person from achieving success.

Scientology claims to have an answer for these troublesome memories in the form of a process called "auditing". This is said to be a cross between counselling and confession, a process measured by an electronic machine called the "E-meter". Little is known about this ritual outside of the Church. The process claims to heal the mental scars accumulated over many lifetimes, allowing the participants to live in an enlightened state.

This is how the Church likes to be seen today. The glamourous face of Scientology.

DAVID MISCAVIGE: Let me be blunt. Scientology does have answers. And where you have failed it is only because you lack the tools to effectively accomplish what you desire.

HARDEEP (off camera): Why are some of the most visible people on the planet publicly singing its praises when the Church is awash with accusations of cultism, brainwashing, and silent births?

Will I come back a brainwashed comedian, or will I find a religion that can deliver on its promise and unite the planet with its spiritual tool-set for all?

HARDEEP: To be honest, the thing that I most worry about is being brainwashed, and, so does my wife.

HARDEEP (off camera): We asked the Church to take part in this film. They said, "To make it perfectly clear, it is a curious choice to select a comedian who does not believe in organized religion as your presenter. It is offensive".

HARDEEP: Offensive. At least Los Angeles in America recognized that I'm a comedian.

HARDEEP (off camera): This and other restrictions imposed on the film meant we could not explore my spiritual path through the Church of Scientology. Luckily, I had learned that the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard are taught


outside the Church. It only took this religion thirty years to reach its reformation. My path is with The Freezone, the protestants of Scientology. The Church of Scientology treats The Freezone as the dangerous heretics. They are not even allowed to call themselves Scientologists. Contact with them has always been difficult. My first meeting was via a video link with LA. Roland is a leading figure in the Freezone, and a former member of the Church.

HARDEEP: What happened in the Church during the late 70s?

ROLAND: Well, the Church was a pretty dynamic organization. There was a sudden change in about 1982. The current management of the Church took over and ousted a pretty fair number of the then-senior people. These people on leaving the Church attempted to set up their own organizations, essentially delivering the same stuff as the Church does but outside of the Church's orbit.

The Internet has meant a flourishing of the so-called Freezone. That is to say, the people outside of the Church who are still active Scientologists and actively promoting and applying the so-called technology.

HARDEEP: Roland had some advice for me regarding my auditing session, a never-before-seen cleansing ritual and the key to enlightenment through Scientology.

HARDEEP: What should I do on my journey?

ROLAND: Just do it wholeheartedly, all the way. There are things about yourself that you do not wish to confront. Things that you have done that you don't want to admit to, things, weaknesses of yours that are ignominious that you would not care to mention. When you go into session, eventually you will have to confront all of those things. Hard to do, there are many layers of it, it takes a while to do. It's not easy, but it is worth doing. As long as it is done with an auditor who will not take advantage of you.


HARDEEP: Fuck! I hope I don't get fucked up doing this film, man.

HARDEEP: Aren't you worried? Well, you're not fucking worried, you don't have to do it, do you?!

HARDEEP: Now I'm worried, very worried, although I'm not quite sure what I'm worried about. In order to fully prepare myself for auditing I need to find a guide and mentor. It was with some anxiety that I travelled to Saint Hill.

Just outside of East Grinstead is the spiritual home of L. Ron Hubbard, and the Church's base in the UK. I am here to meet Dominic, the Church's highest-ranking defector in over a decade.

HARDEEP: How do you feel when you look at it, a place you used to call home?

DOMINIC: It's a beautiful place.

HARDEEP: You can't go there anymore, can you?

DOMINIC: Ya, I understand. Hey, c'est la vie, man. That's life.

HARDEEP: Fearful of how the Church will react to his participation, Dominic insisted on meeting away from his home.

DOMINIC: They're great people, and they really believe in what they're doing. But it's very, you know, they have people that decide over your fate, and if you don't do what you're supposed to be doing then you're in real deep trouble.

HARDEEP: Since leaving the Church, Dom has joined a European network of Freezoners, who live by and practise Scientology.

DOMINIC: A group of the people that left formed a thing called the "Ron's Org". Because L. Ron Hubbard, by his friends known as "Ron" and they started the Ron's Org. Ron's Org says, "We only apply the technology of L. Ron Hubbard". You have the Ron's Org, the Church of Scientology, and then you have the Freezone as a broad thing.

HARDEEP: But Ron's Org isn't one organization. It's lots of little organizations.

DOMINIC: Yeah, lots of them.

HARDEEP: Is it hundreds of thousands, millions?

DOMINIC: No, no no no, it's not that big at all. Ten, fifteen, twenty staff, that big and you would form an organization.


HARDEEP: The organization is growing in Europe but thrives in places like Russia, which are beyond the reach of the Church's lawyers.

DOMINIC: We're going to be travelling around, and you'll get a good idea.

HARDEEP: Dominic has bravely agreed to be my guide and mentor.

HARDEEP: But what would you suggest I do next?

DOMINIC: You want to find out what Scientology is all about. You should, say, read a book, take a course. A good beginning course would be, like, HQS, which stands for "Hubbard Qualified Scientologist" course. Do one of those. Read the "Dianetics" book. Read, like, "Fundamentals of Thought", or something like that.

HARDEEP: Tell me about the bridge.

DOMINIC: All right. Well, if you put it like this, yeah, if you say you want to get to a higher state of existence and you consider where you are right now is at a lower state of existence and you want to get to a higher state of existence, well you have got to get there somehow. And the concept is that if you don't go the right way you'll end up in one hell of a chasm. So what you do is you walk the bridge. And Ron, basically Ron's writings tell you the way to go.

HARDEEP: The Bridge is the most important concept in the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard and is actually two parallel bridges. Taking part in one side helps you examine your subconscious; the other helps you with your waking life. The subconscious side is crossed by taking part in auditing. The practical side of the Bridge is a series of qualifications aimed at making a person a better communicator.

HARDEEP: I've been rejected by the Church, discovered the Freezone, and found a mentor who's willing to guide me through basic training. Now, if I pass, he says he will audit me. The training is in Moscow, and I will travel through four countries unearthing the Freezone movement and studying along the way.

HARDEEP: You've got to bear in mind I'm reading and learning about Scientology as I go along. I didn't study it all


before we started this journey and here is what I am discovering. Two very interesting things. Scientology has no great mystery, no great questions of faith, no reliance on you to simply believe. It seeks to prove everything it says. And also, people are very critical of it because it seems to be written in a very simple form, and I was critical of it too for being so kind of, a bit like philosophy or psychology for the stupid, but actually, if you think about it, it is incredibly inclusive.

It ties in absolutely with that notion of there being no mysteries, and no secrets. It's for people, any people, to pick up.

MAX: Max...Hi

HARDEEP: Max, hi, good to meet you 10:50
HARDEEP: I'm here to meet Max, head of the Swiss cell of Ron's Org. Max runs the training camp in Moscow. I want to sign up for one of the courses, but first I need to be vetted, not only by Max, but also by his students and family.

MALE STUDENT: Try to make a difference between the Church and Scientology. Take these things apart. Like, Catholicism doesn't necessarily mean the same thing like Christianity, right?

HARDEEP: Are you happy not to be in the Church any more? Do you miss the Church?

FEMALE STUDENT: (laughs) No, no.

MAX: In the beginning I was thinking it was a philosophy. Sometimes I was really thinking it was some kind of psychology. I had a hard time to understand, why is this called a religion?

ERICA: As for me it's a philosophy and sure, this spiritual factor, and this, this thing that you can improve yourself with it.

FEMALE STUDENT: You find answers. You find answers to have in life.

FEMALE STUDENT: We find knowingness, and then we don't need to believe.

MEL*: You can use it because there is a wisdom and there is a truth in it.


You cannot control people without truth, or without making them believe it is the truth.

FEMALE STUDENT: I don't have to go and pray. I don't have to not eat this or eat that. I don't have to cut my hair or not cut my hair. I don't have to do anything different in my life at all apart from the fact I have someone come to my house or come here and I do audition. That is the only change and, and my life is getting better and better and better by the week every time I do it.

HARDEEP: I'm struggling to understand your Swiss accent. Do you believe in God?

FEMALE STUDENT: Not in the, in the sense of believe, er, a power of that being, a higher power God [?], I don't believe.

HARDEEP: Do you believe in God?

FEMALE STUDENT: Yes, but I have a special definition. I was always asking, "Who is God, vat, what is God?" and when I started in Scientology I found a definition in an old, big dictionary. It made "A spiritual being", "an extra-terrestrial spiritual being", and in fact if, that's, that's OK for me.

HARDEEP: The absence of any consensus about God was refreshing. But what I really wanted to know about was auditing.

FEMALE STUDENT: As you hold the cans an electrical current is passing through you. It is really, really, really light, you don't even feel it. When you get a question or a command, if there is stress, the electricity has a resistance and it can't pass through your body as easily and so it shows up on the auditor's meter.

HARDEEP: I'm none the wiser about auditing, but Max _has_ agreed to host me and the cameras at his camp in Moscow. I've now got two days and 800 miles to get myself up to speed.

HARDEEP: OK, I've got to just spin [?] back here for a minute, OK. "Scientology expresses this briefly. The cycle of action is an apparency as follows, "Create, then Survive, then Destroy. OK?



HARDEEP: L. Ron describes it as, "The actual cycle of action is as follows: Create, create-create-create, create counter-create, no creation, nothingness.


HARDEEP: Discuss.

DOMINIC: [...?] I don't know.

HARDEEP: I mean I understand it, I'm just not quite sure what the point of it is.

DOMINIC: Yes. You came up with [...?]

HARDEEP: Can _you_ tell me how that is--I'm interested in YOUR definition of the actual cycle of action [in that?]

DOMINIC: No, no, no. That's not how it works, though.

HARDEEP: OK. I think maybe I should just read some more and maybe things will start slotting into place.

DOMINIC: I think so, I think...

HARDEEP: It's only Chapter 2. How about making a meal, is that "Create"?

DOMINIC: Yeah, sure. No, it's good, it's not a bad example. OK, a meal. Make a meal.

HARDEEP: Right, so explain that to me. Making a meal is creating it.


HARDEEP: Eating it is surviving. And when it's all gone, you're destroyed. You've destroyed the food.

HARDEEP: Once our train arrived in Munich, I had to put my Scientology book out of sight. The woman I was here to meet would explain why.

WOMAN: Since '96, when you want an official job, you have to sign a paper, where it is written on that you are not a Scientologist.

HARDEEP: Only a Scientologi...

WOMAN: Only in Scientology, not a church.

HARDEEP: They don't care if you are any other religion, any other belief, whether you believe in God or don't believe in God. The only questions are about Scientology.

WOMAN: Yes. Do you support that you make some little work along the methods of L. Ron Hubbard?

HARDEEP: These are very specific questions. Did you have to fill this for every job you do?



HARDEEP: Every government job?

WOMAN: Yes, when...

HARDEEP: Did you tell your children you are a Scientologist?

WOMAN: I don't use the word Scientology so much because I am afraid they go out and use the word Scientology on the wrong person. Some friends say, "No, I don't want to see you because you are dangerous".

HARDEEP: The Church of Scientology doesn't like you.

WOMAN: Mmm-hmmm.

HARDEEP: The German authorities don't like you.

WOMAN: Mmm-hmmm.

HARDEEP: Who likes you? Who supports you? Who helps you?

WOMAN: The friends who know it.

HARDEEP: It would have been easier in your life to give up Scientology than to keep going.

WOMAN: Yes, but, then life would be more difficult.

HARDEEP: Do you know, I have spoken to quite a few Scientologists in the last few days. They all say the same thing.

WOMAN: Mmm-hmmm.

HARDEEP: They all say life is better, life becomes easier.

WOMAN: Yes, yes. I also believe that some time will come where you can say and it is no problem, I believe this too. And when I am one of the first thousand or five thousand people who go this way I am part of this. The first Christians also worked hard and then it become a big religion.

HARDEEP: What is it about Scientology that repulses so many of us, yet compels some people to sacrifice their freedom for this knowledge? If there is an answer, it is either in the books I am reading or it lies in the training camp, deep behind the former Iron Curtain.

HARDEEP: Slightly impenetrable again, what you have to understand about "The Fundamentals of Thought" is that it is actually written in incredibly simple language. There is not, really, a difficult word in it. It's just, quite bizarrely written, like nothing else I have ever read before. "An auditor processing a preclear would always use effect processes to increase doingnes."


"What effect could you create on father?"

I don't actually know what that question means. "What effect could you create on father?"

I mean I understand all the individual words. I understand the nouns, the verbs and the prepositions. But I don't understand what the sentence means.

DOMINIC: When you start your course, you will learn how to be a student in the beginning of the course. Now, right now when you study this book, I think the only introduction on how to study is probably this "Important Note" in the beginning which says, "Always get any word or phrase you do not fully understand defined."

HARDEEP: There isn't a word in that book I don't understand. Test me. Open it at any page.

DOMINIC: Got it.

HARDEEP: Open it at any page. Test me. I'm fucking there, man.

DOMINIC: No, no, that's not what I am saying. I'm totally tracking with you on that. What I'm saying is this is the only data that you have gotten on how to study. There is so much more data on how to study.

HARDEEP: Are you suggesting that I don't read this book then?

DOMINIC: No, you're doing great. It's really not a problem. Because you're sorting it out, we're sorting it out, I'm quite happy the way we're going. This is really good. I mean, anyone can study a book and if you get, if you get one fifth or one tenth that you go in the end of having finished that book, go "Oh I see that, oh yeah" you know, hey that is one tenth better than not getting one tenth, isn't it?

HARDEEP: That's simple maths, yeah. I'm not struggling with that at all.

DOMINIC: Yeah, well, it's true, isn't it?

HARDEEP: If you enjoyed that chat half as much as I did, you enjoyed it twice as much--you know, it's not even maths, it's arithmetic.



DOMINIC: Look at this snow. Oh man, I love this. Look at this stuff. Unbelievable. Look at it! This is great snow. Go skiing in it, man.

HARDEEP: My Scientology's mentor playing like a five-year-old in the snow.

DOMINIC: Is there anything wrong with that?

HARDEEP: What the fuck are you going to teach me about L. Ron? Bastard.

HARDEEP: This conference is in a disused Soviet children's summer camp that has no signposts. I don't mean any ha--I mean no signposts. Clearly, they don't want anyone to know where they are, even us, and we're meant to be there. I'm getting scared now because we've only got enough food to last us a week and only enough vodka to last us an hour.

ERICA: Hello.

HARDEEP: Hello, how are you?

ERICA: I'm fine. And you?

HARDEEP: Three kisses. I remembered.

HARDEEP: It's very good to see you.

ERICA: Very good to see you.

HARDEEP: We've brought the snow with us.

MAX: This is where you will study.


MAX: You are going to learn basic things about life. There will be some class about communication. There will be about emotions. Then, there will also be the basic parts of what you are, for example, being a thetan, having a mind, having a body; a thetan, this is you, this is just you yourself, a spiritual being without body.


HARDEEP: Welcome to the world of L. Ron Hubbard. A week into my Scientology road trip I have met a variety of people, talked a lot, read some books and understood little. I am aiming to be audited in a week's time. This is Day One of my actual training. I'm taking an unofficial Scientology course and I have only three days to learn as much as I can. Max and Dom think this course will help me understand auditing.

HARDEEP: It talks about the bridge. There's an explanation of it. There's a span across the abyss of misery and degradation and sorrow to a higher plateau of ability and happiness. That makes sense. If one blindly accepts facts and truths just because he is told he must--facts and truths which do not seem true to one or even false, the end result can be an unhappy one. That is the alley to the trashbin of incompetence.

HARDEEP: Just mostly reading actually more than anything.

DOMINIC: Back to course!

HARDEEP: Yeah, I've--

DOMINIC: OK, but if he wants something from you, he should really come through me. If you wanted to ask me something, so you don't have to go over--

HARDEEP: You don't want me to talk to--

DOMINIC: No, not while you're studying, now you are a student.


HARDEEP: It's just like being back at school. I absolutely find some of this quite patronising. I don't have a problem with my own ego, I'm not sure. In fact, some of it's like, it's very straightforward and it's also a bit pointless.

HARDEEP: After a few hours of intense reading, I had to write my first of many essays,


essays on life.

DOMINIC: Great. Absolutely wonderful.

HARDEEP: Do I get marks out of ten?

DOMINIC: No. But it's a pass. Time for clay.

HARDEEP: The idea behind modelling clay is to give physical form to mental thoughts. Like everything in Scientology, it starts off easy.

DOMINIC: Rubber, wood, lead. It's a pencil.

HARDEEP: I've got loads to do. Every course, and there are over thirty, is divided into tiers. Each tier is sub-divided into reading and practicals and I have to pass every one before moving on.

DOMINIC: Excellent. Carry on.

HARDEEP: Thank you very much.

HARDEEP: "Excellent", he said. "Carry on". I will. After my break.

HARDEEP: He writes stuff like you know, "It's the truth. Pursue the truth. You know. "My system", he says, "is not the best system, but it's a workable system". And he also says, "You have to find your own truth". And that's exactly what Dominic was doing on the train, not telling me his truth but find your own truth.


HELEN: Hardeep. Hello.

HARDEEP: Hello, hello.

HELEN: Hello, my dear.

HARDEEP: How are you?

HELEN: How are you?

HARDEEP: Are you well?

HELEN: It's very pleasant to see you.


HELEN: I want you to meet this nice woman, see?

HARDEEP: What? Hello.

HELEN: How do you like it?

HARDEEP: Very nice.


HARDEEP: Yes. It's very nice, see?

HARDEEP: Very nice.

HELEN: I love you very much. And she, she, loves you very much. Cherie, come here, come here. She wants to ask you,


she wants to ask you. What is your name?

HARDEEP: Hardeep.

HELEN: Oh, one, one time, please...

HARDEEP: Hardeep.

HELEN: Hardeep?

HARDEEP: Hardeep.

HELEN: Hardeep?

HARDEEP: Hardeep.

HELEN: Hardeep?


HELEN: It's right?


HELEN: Hardeep.


HELEN: But, ah, I'm Helen. And she is--

HARDEEP: Running away. Despite their warmth and enthusiam I'm frustrated. I'm struggling to see how playing with plasticene and gently fingering through a dictionary will lead me to God.

DOMINIC: If you look, if you look at exhaustion...


DOMINIC: ...yup, it's, it's a state of extremely physical or mental tiredness or collapse.

HARDEEP: Do you know what? I know what exhaustion is. I don't need to look in the dictionary.

DOMINIC: Well OK then, show him exhausted. Show him exhausted and show [...?]

HARDEEP: To me he's exhausted because he's doing this at work and this at home.

DOMINIC: Do me a favour.

HARDEEP: What? I'm not doing it again.

DOMINIC: Put something there that shows that this is what you've...

HARDEEP: But look, it's exactly the same, I don't need to show it, it was there.

DOMINIC: See--I don't even see he's exhausted, I see he's confused.

HARDEEP: OK. Here's exhaustion with clay. Look at me. Exhausted.

DOMINIC: I see. All right, well, we're at an impasse, aren't we?

HARDEEP: Not really. We'll just move on.

DOMINIC: Mmm-hmm?

HARDEEP: We'll just move on.

DOMINIC: Nah. Can't really move on, mate. Not until we get this done.

HARDEEP: This is ridiculous. I understand the concept perfectly.

HARDEEP: Sorry, this is just really fucking me off. Fucking, it's ridiculous. Is it not clear?

DOMINIC: It wasn't clear to you?

HARDEEP: Oh, fuck off. Don't think I appreciate you being nice to me, either, OK?

DOMINIC: Communication...

HARDEEP: Affinity.

DOMINIC: Oh, affinity...

HARDEEP: Reality, communication...


DOMINIC: Let me look for myself.

HARDEEP: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

DOMINIC: No, no, it's quite OK, quite OK.

HARDEEP: I did a claymation of dogs fucking. I mean, I did dogs sniffing arses and dogs fucking. I'm an intelligent man with a degree in law. To be honest, I think I've got a slight problem with authority. I don't really like being told what to do. He was patient with me, and encouraging. He was really diligent, actually, very sweet, and I think, you know, he's putting up with me when perhaps less patient people wouldn't put up with me.

HARDEEP: Every night at the camp there was a small ceremony to recognize people's achievements.

HARDEEP: And afterwards, in the finest Russian tradition, a debate about life and God over strong black tea.

WOMAN 1: It's more understanding and knowing, rather than belief in something.

HARDEEP: Do you believe in God?

WOMAN 1: No.

WOMAN 2: I know that God is.

HARDEEP: Scientologists believe they are eternal spirits, but defining God is left to the individual.

HARDEEP: This morning I am out of the classroom and into the practicals. This exercise is an adaptation of Zen meditation, and it also teaches you how not to fidget during auditing. I only managed half an hour, whereas these people have been sitting here for the past three days. To better understand my own auditing, today I start auditor training. An auditor is not allowed to react to anything that the other person might say, as a reaction by the auditor might induce a false reading on the E-meter. Basically, the object of this drill is to get a rise out of your opponent. In this role-play, one of you pretends to be an auditor and the other an auditee.


DOMINIC: If I say "That's it" that's the end of the drill. Or if I say "Flunk", that's the end of the drill. Ready? Start.

DOMINIC: I'll tell you a little secret. It's just between you and me. Whenever--since the first day that we actually started working together, I wanted to kiss you. I just want to make a point here, yeah? You know, people talk about brainwashing? I've got you brainwashed, mate. The world is going to see Hardeep has been brainwashed. There's not going to be another job for you ever again.

You're really English, aren't you? Through and through. From the nation of England. No? Ok. Well, all right. That's it. That's it. That's it.

HARDEEP: Don't you ever fucking talk to me like that again.

DOMINIC: {laughs} What?

HARDEEP: Had you going.

HARDEEP: So I can abuse you and you won't flinch, you won't react?

DOMINIC: I've no idea. To be honest I'm sure, you know, I'm sure you could probably find some things on me.

HARDEEP: OK, we will start. What are you doing hanging out with a loser like me? Do you want a kiss? I mean, are you in touch with yourself? Do you know who you are? Because I mean, you seem a bit lost to me in life. You know, how old are you? What, 35, 36? Where are you at? What are you doing? What have you achieved? You want to be me, don't you? And you hope tht if you're inside me... [You're?] a right cock inside me. Not that big, your cock, though, is it? Actually, you're German, it's probably enormous. Flunk. I think inside you is a gay man trapped inside. Slightly overweight. Flunk! You're ashamed! A big bear of a man, ha ha ha. I'll be your bear tonight. Do you want me to be your bear? Ha ha. On a chain,


dancing around the fire--ahh--No?

HARDEEP: I'm bonding with my supervisor. I remembered something Dom said to me on the train to Moscow. He said, if it's not fun, it's not Scientology. I've started to understand.

HARDEEP: In the next drill, the person being tested has to make sure his question, "Do birds fly?" or "Do fish swim?", is answered without being put off.

DOMINIC: Return? Return to the auditing question?

HARDEEP: Do birds fly?

DOMINIC: Did you say, "Return" or "Repeat"?

HARDEEP: I'll repeat the auditing question: Do birds fly?

DOMINIC: I thought I heard "return".

DOMINIC: Do birds fly? Yes, birds fly.



HARDEEP: Next it was Dom's turn. And my frustration from the plasticene had found a natural outlet


DOMINIC: All right. I'm ready. Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: Fuck off.

DOMINIC: I'll repeat the auditing command. Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: Fuck off.

DOMINIC: I'll repeat the auditing command. Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: It's a question, not a command, you numbskull.

DOMINIC: OK. {laughs}

HARDEEP: I got him.

DOMINIC: Do fish swim?

HARDEEP: Bleeuch.

DOMINIC: Thank you. Do fish swim?

HARDEEP: Bleeuch.

DOMINIC: Thank you. Do fish swim?

HARDEEP: I didn't say yes. Flunk. I have already given you an answer. Why do you have to keep asking me the question?

DOMINIC: It's just the way the patter goes, mate.

HARDEEP: I'm not your mate at all.

DOMINIC: No probs. I'll repeat the auditing question: Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: I don't know. Do they fly or do we move? Do you know what I mean? They are basically still in the air when we, when we move.

DOMINIC: {laughs}

DOMINIC: Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: What's flying? That's the question.

DOMINIC: Good question. Let's look it up in the dictionary.


DOMINIC: Here, "flying".

DOMINIC: Does that clarify it for you?



DOMINIC: I'll repeat the auditing question: Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: What's a dictionary?


DOMINIC: Good question.

HARDEEP: Is "Dictionary" in the dictionary?

DOMINIC: I think it is.

HARDEEP: And what's another word for thesaurus?

DOMINIC: You know what?


DOMINIC: I'll repeat the auditing question: Do birds fish?

HARDEEP: OK, see that's quite hypnotic, that is quite hypnotic. See, if there is ever any accusation that Scientology is about brainwashing, it comes from that, I think.

DOMINIC: From this drill?

HARDEEP: Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, except, people may think what you're asking is you want--you're not actually interested in the answer, are you?

DOMINIC: No. Not really.

HARDEEP: You're not, are you?


DOMINIC: You just want to know: Did I answer it?


DOMINIC: Or am I just fucking around?

HARDEEP: I don't quite understand what I am doing here. I'm communicating this to you.

DOMINIC: What was the line? What did you just say? "So you did, old fellow".

DOMINIC: You read it, you make it your own, one cycle, and you give it to me, just deliver it.


DOMINIC: From you the being, straight to me.

HARDEEP: "Well then, if you don't know what uglify is, you are a simpleton".

HARDEEP: The more fun I had, the more I learned. And the farcical drills started to make sense. They are ultimately designed to enable you to ask a clear question, get an answer, any answer, without reacting. This is a key auditing skill.

DOMINIC: "You can't remember what things?"

HARDEEP: Thank you.


HARDEEP: "We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble".

DOMINIC: No, that's it. It's not really appropriate, that one.

HARDEEP: OK. Shall I try again?


DOMINIC: What are you doing out here?


DOMINIC: What are _you_ doing out here?


DOMINIC: What are you doing out here?

HARDEEP: Nothing.

DOMINIC: That's it. You're great, actually. Your TR3 is a pass.


DOMINIC: Do you want to do me?

HARDEEP: Well, later.

HARDEEP: Am I not ready to be audited?

DOMINIC: You're pretty ready to be audited.

HARDEEP: Then audit me then!

DOMINIC: I can't do that. I'm not your auditor. You know--


HARDEEP: Seriously, why won't you audit me?

DOMINIC: Because, listen, what would happen if I audit you? Number one, I have a personal rule for myself.


DOMINIC: Which is, I only audit people that I truly feel that I can help.

HARDEEP: You don't think I'll be honest in an auditing room, do you?

DOMINIC: I don't think it would work. And that's why--

HARDEEP: Don't you believe me?

DOMINIC: Generally I believe you, yeah, yeah.

HARDEEP: Thank you.

HARDEEP: I'll re...peat the auditing question.

HARDEEP: OK, listen, enough of the turban fucking molestation, man. He's trying to get my clothes off.

HARDEEP: Do you know what I can see? I can see some happy, spiritually aware, confident, loving, giving people, that's what I can see, and I can understand how giving people tools to deal with this life, giving people precision, giving people some sort of way of working out their problems, that's rooted in a reality, improves the quality of their life.

HARDEEP: Day Three. And I woke to a sunny morning feeling surprisingly invigorated. The penny was starting to drop. It's been a long time since so much information has made so much sense in so short a period of time.

DOMINIC: OK, start.

HARDEEP: In the Tone Scale drill, we act out various levels of human emotion,from euphoric to dead. Understanding the levels in between makes you a better communicator.


HARDEEP: It's no use trying to talk to an angry person by being deleriously happy.

HARDEEP: But do you know I might flunk you there because you're really depressing me.

HARDEEP: Flunk. You look post-coital.

DOMINIC: I what?

DOMINIC: Don't get into my fucking face!

HARDEEP: Fuck you.

DOMINIC: You got it? Fuck you!



HARDEEP: OK, squared.

DOMINIC: Three times!

HARDEEP: Whatever number you think of, bigger. Plus one. Plus one. Plus one. Plus one. Plus one. Plus one.

DOMINIC: Unbelievable.

HARDEEP: "Unbelievable!"

HARDEEP: OK, I'm going to do it now, OK?

DOMINIC: You're too good at that.

HARDEEP: Look, I'll tell you why, because of the book is so well-written, you get it, you get it. You should read it, honestly. Sit down. You're reading it in a rushed way now. Sit down and read it. And the tone scale, you see it, it changes the way, the way I'm going to bring up my children. It's going to change now.

HARDEEP: I'm scared that I'm walking down this boulevard of knowledge where everything makes sense, the windows are painted white, and you know, the sky is blue and the trees are green. And I'm just scared the minute I go, "I completely accept all this", you take a left turn down Bizarre, you know?

HARDEEP: I found myself believing so much of what I'd learned that I'm running out of difficult questions to ask you. I'm interested to know about this stuff that perhaps you are not so keen to talk about, if I can be blunt with you. There is talk about sort-of space-ships and aliens and all this sort of thing associated with LRH.

MAX: LRH sometimes speaks about aliens. He speaks about some--that there has been races around that...


things were going on and there have been techniques we don't know here on planet Earth. He certainly speaks about that.

HARDEEP: Max tactfully avoided the question. And with good reason. The ET issue in Scientology is essentially the Genesis chapter of its scriptures, and it is considered sacred. If I choose to continue with my studies, I would eventually receive this knowledge, but not before.

HARDEEP: Funny how we buy angels and demons and all that, but not aliens, and aliens actually would make more sense.

HARDEEP: The first step towards this knowledge is my next step in Scientology, the auditing session.

HARDEEP: What am I scared about? The audit.

HARDEEP: What are, what are the parameters of the audit? What do they need to know?

DOMINIC: I don't know. It's never been seen before.

HARDEEP: It's almost like I don't want the audit to be filmed. Massively unhelpful answer.

HARDEEP: I'm returning to the UK to undergo the ritual I've been training for. Auditing. Will I feel cleansed or will I feel brainwashed? After much soul-searching and much deliberation I have finally agreed to allow cameras to film this most personal of experiences.

HARDEEP: This is the moment I have been approaching, with equal parts of curiosity and dread, for the past two weeks. Auditing. The significance of all the drills in Moscow should now become clear. I'm told this could take anywhere between twenty minutes and five hours. I'm to relax, concentrate, and above all not judge or analyze the process, as this will nullify its effectiveness.


Because of the personal nature of auditing, I've asked the crew to set up the cameras and leave the room.

DOMINIC: Thank you. Now, when I tell you to squeeze the cans, give me like a gradual increase of pressure until a light squeeze is achieved, and then relax it.

DOMINIC: Great. Take a deep breath in and let it out through your mouth.

DOMINIC: OK, you're not tired, yeah?


DOMINIC: No. Is there any reason not to start session?


DOMINIC: Good. This is the session.

DOMINIC: All right. What is the definition of the word "time"?

HARDEEP: The past.

DOMINIC: What's the definition of the word "a"? The letter "a".

HARDEEP: The indefinite article.

DOMINIC: That's fine. And what's the definition of the word "recall"?

HARDEEP: To remember.

DOMINIC: Great. All right. Our next command goes like this: Recall a time.

HARDEEP: My wedding day.

DOMINIC: Thank you. Recall a time.

HARDEEP: My school, the street outside my school, Hill Street in Glasgow.

HARDEEP: Being a baby holding a balloon.


DOMINIC: What is the definition of the word "communication"?


HARDEEP: To impart an idea that's acknowledged.

DOMINIC: Recall a communication.

HARDEEP: My dad saying I was the cleverest of his sons, but I just never bothered to apply myself.

DOMINIC: Got it.

DOMINIC: What does "confront" mean?

HARDEEP: To face head on.

DOMINIC: And the word "to"? T-O?

HARDEEP: Towards, facing.

DOMINIC: And what is the definition of the word "like"?

HARDEEP: Like, to have affinity for.

DOMINIC: Good. What would you like to confront?

HARDEEP: Talk to my parents.

DOMINIC: What would you like to confront?

HARDEEP: I would like to confront the dysfunctionality I have with my elder brother.

DOMINIC: Good. I want to do something with you.


DOMINIC: I want to take up that sadness on your brother, OK? I just want to assess it and check it out with you. All right. Let me, let me just does this here. Was that a break in affinity? ...reality? ...communication? ...understanding? All right. I have it as a break in communication.

HARDEEP: I'd like to be a better brother. Maybe this low-level dysfunctionality. Because when we look at each other we know, I think we know, exactly what is going on, and he knows he can never say anything about it, because once he gives oxygen to his thoughts, he'll start thinking about them. While thoughts are merely in your head you can hide them in dark corners. The minute you hear your voice say them it gives them a credibility and a weight, a mass. So, you know, we bumble along.

DOMINIC: Got it.


DOMINIC: How does it seem now?

HARDEEP: Better.


HARDEEP: I feel physically lighter. I'm guessing my needle is floating.

DOMINIC: It is indeed. Hey.

HARDEEP: I feel light-headed.

DOMINIC: Ooh. That sometimes occurs.


DOMINIC: End of session.

DOMINIC: Absolutely terrific. I wouldn't have expected, I couldn't have expected anything more. I've been quite delighted with it, to be honest.

HARDEEP: That was it. That's the great auditing mystery. Can you see now what they were teaching in Moscow.

HARDEEP: I needed to understand every word in each question.

DOMINIC: First let me go through the words. What does "confront" mean?

DOMINIC: We need a dictionary. Always get any word or phrase you do not fully understand defined.

DOMINIC: Did you look at "Exhaustion"?


HARDEEP: Each question needed to be asked in exactly the same way.

DOMINIC: Recall a communication.

DOMINIC: Do birds fly?

HARDEEP: Why don't you know whether birds fly or not?

DOMINIC: Recall a communication.



HARDEEP: You're not actually interested in the answer, are you?

DOMINIC: No, not really.

HARDEEP: The only reaction that interests the auditor is the E-meter.

DOMINIC: What would you like to confront?

HARDEEP: Talk to my parents.


HARDEEP: So here I am at the end of this journey, the most unique of journeys. And what do I think? Well, everyone I met claimed that this religion helped them to be at peace with themselves, which in turn led to their own spiritual enlightenment. The big question is this: Did _I_ get God through the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard? Well, in two weeks, that's a tall order for any religion. At the very least, what I have experienced is that Scientology does improve people's lives, real people's lives. Will I carry on with my study of Scientology? Do you know what? I have no idea.


HARDEEP: Scientology is still a dirty word.

DOMINIC: What is the definition of the word "a"?

DOMINIC: Recall a time.

DOMINIC: Recall a communication.

DOMINIC: What would you like to confront?

DOMINIC: Was that a break in affinity?

HARDEEP: Unbelievable!


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